The break between "Jamie" and I is now over. The break HORRIBLY backfired. The first week, I joined a different lunch group....and they were full of "popular" people that generally liked me. However, I didn't talk much to them. There wasn't alot that I could relate to them. By the second week, I felt like no one at the table really liked me....or wanted to talk to me...or cared. So, I decided to move to a different group.
Meanwhile, I saw Jamie hanging out with her friends, and I thought that she was having the time of her life. I felt completely miserable and lonely. The thoughts consisted of "You can end this break at anytime, Epiphany.", but I never did end the break [until now]. I had a mental breakdown where I was literally crying so hard that I was shaking because of all of the loneliness, pain, and anger I had felt...plus, I had gotten into an argument with my mother that was so bad that she called me a "goddamn liar". I honestly wanted to die.
The new tables that I was sitting at really weren't working out for me, so I ended up sitting at a table by myself. Sitting at a lunch table by yourself was usually intended as punishment, as that was a form of isolation from others. This wasn't a form of punishment, but rather something that was needed: my parents told me that I was trying too hard to make friends, and that I was too pushy. So, what other options did I have? When my parents told me those things, I felt like complete and total shit.
The first week of isolation wasn't working out. I hated it...I wanted to scream to the Heavens because I felt so alone. Of course, Jamie was sitting with her other friends, and I wanted to punch someone. I felt like the world had given everything good to Jamie and not to me. Yesterday, I talked to Jamie for about an hour! We called the break off on mutual terms. I later found out that she felt extremely alone as well, and we were both pretty much horribly affected by it.
-Epiphany Thomas
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